Late Night Thoughts

Found A Way To Hope - Ever Changing

Words are amazing. Pictures breathtaking. SOAM is inspiring, uplifting and in it's own right practically therapeutic at least for me. I guess by now you're probably wonder what SOAM stands for; Shape of a Mother.  Today, like nearly every other day in my life, after waking I  got dressed to greet the day. 

 Nothing unusual about the task, after all it's simply putting on a few articles of clothing. Though simple as simple is, I can take any task and find a way to criticize or analyze myself. Most often, doing this task, it usually comes down to my body. My ever changing body. My scars, my stretch marks, my flappy stomach, dimpled butt cheeks, cellulite covered thighs and my beautiful breasts.  Those of you who've managed to dig through all of my blogs randomness have probably read a few posts regarding my body issues. I've had them for years. 

I've fought my battles with both anorexia and bulimia, self love and self hate. And I've also had a life changing miracle happen, motherhood, TWICE! Each and every day is a different day. Now, in the moment, for the most part I'm okay with myself. I've accepted myself. Does that mean I love every inch of skin? No. Does it mean you'll find me scantily clad or breaking out the bikini? No. Will I ever feel the same about my body as I did 5 years ago? No. My body is ever changing.   

In the past two days, I have become an avid visitor to the SOAM website. To be honest, I was having a fat, disgusted with myself, wanting change kind of day. After many many google searches on the best and healthy way to lose the flap of skin on my stomach post baby, (yes I know, I know, my kids are 4 and 2, I just haven't found any lasting motivation. Still working on that, please I beg of you, give me time!) I decided to do a search on postpartum bellies of real mothers, and that's when I came across SOAM.  Of course celebrities are real mothers as well and I give them props for how quickly they bounce back, but I was looking for your every day moms. The ones who work, or stay home, or do a combination of the two. Or the single moms, or the moms with large families. I wanted to see every day women like the women I run into at the grocery store, but I always felt it would be a little awkward and inappropriate to ask them to show me their stomachs in the middle of the cereal isle. 

The SOAM website allows you to read their stories in their words, with their photographs. To me, this has been a gift. A way to hope. A way to acknowledge that the way I feel about my body on any given day is not only acceptable, but valid. I have feelings. I have my good days and I have my bad days as I have said before. But SOAM in so many ways has allowed my vision to change and to be a little less hard on myself. To be more accepting of what my body has become and the empowerment to know that if I want to change my body, I can; it is ever changing. 

Ever Changing.

Still I

"Step aside the quicksand tide, walk along the empty shoreline. Seek nothing, but wander no less; time to put this pain to rest. Fade in and out, dawn’s weary light, fighting to defeat the night. Abating and tired, still pushing on; thumbing through purposes long gone. Pondering passions; never cease. Worthlessness bleed over me, in pain, in strife, in fight or flight, it’s time to get something right. Right or wrong; night has succumbed to dawn. Daylight shines so pristine and bright. Still I wander, still I weep."

- Babers

Inner Ramblings Expressed

"The last stroke of midnight dies. All day in the one chair, from dream to dream and rhyme to rhyme I have ranged in rambling talk with an image of air. Vague memories, nothing but memories."

- William Butler Yeats

A collection or ramblings running through my mind tonight. I try not to dwell on one subject too long as they always seem to turn into a negative black pit that I struggle to climb my way out of. Rather than listen to the thoughts as they fly so effortlessly through, I numb myself. I find any source of distraction I can tolerate. Everything seems to take so much energy. I feel drained. 

Little by little its all tumbling down. Spontaneous breaks in the monotonous hum drums of just getting through. Smiles and laughs brought upon by the two little beams of sunshine that keep me going. I'm not hurt, or angry, or sad even. I just feel drained. Like it's all too much work. Even the things I am usually able to find so much joy in are losing their luster. 

I can be smiling one minute filled with motivation and in the next it's like the universe comes to a screeching halt and I get stuck. I feel like I'm filled with sludge. My arms and legs heavy, my muscles too weak to even carry their own weight. Physically, I am capable. Mentally, I'm defeated. 

I do this to myself. Every now and again. Sometimes I feel like I have to. To wear myself so thin, so close to the breaking point just to remind myself I cannot do it all. I cannot be it all. I cannot. Yet, I have trouble saying no and the worst part in that, is not that I can't say no to others, but when I can't say no to myself. You can stay up just one more hour longer to get the dishes done. It's time to make up for wasted days. Days like today. Moments like this very one. 

I thought maybe just maybe if I wrote it down tonight I'll be able to shut off my mind and get some much needed sleep. Wake up to a whole new day, with a new found source of energy and a goal in mind. The problem is, I'm negative. Pray for the best, but prepare for the worst. I think it comes back to bite me in the ass more often than it helps save me from the disappointment. 

I wonder if all this negativity that I let dwell inside my soul is weighing me down; and yet, I don't know how to let go of it. The slightly ironic thing about all of this is, I tend to be a hypocrite. I preach positivity and good karma and all that fluffy bullshit that gets thrown out there and here I am. Praying for the best, but preparing for the worst. Do they cancel each other out? Is that why I feel I'm stuck in a perpetual cycle of nothingness. 

Where am I going in life? What do I want out of life? Why can't I figure it out? Will I ever figure it out? Or should I just stop planning? Should I just go with the flow of things? I can't. I need some sort of focus. I feel like I'm lacking it. I'm lacking in all areas that I know I could excel in. School, job, the daily grind. I could be so much better than I am. It's not about being better than the next or keeping up with the Jones' or even chasing the "American Dream." Fuck the American Dream. I just want to improve myself. I want to be a better version of who I am. The person I thought I was capable of being. When and why did I stop believing? Did I ever really believe? Or was I being naive? 

They say good things come to those who wait; well how long does it take? I mean how long should I keep waiting? Long enough to settle into becoming a simple shell of all the things I once thought I could be? Where is my fight? Have I given up on myself? Should I? I'm starting to think that of all the things I once daydreamed about are just now memories and there is no way to get that passion back. 

But this rambling has gone on long enough and while my mind is overflowing, it's time I put the flood gates up and call it a night. The morning alarm is going to be hell on me. I feel it in my bones. Truth be told, I don't have a reason to set the alarm. I'm not working in the morning, but maybe that's what I need to do. Force myself to face the day. Find a way out of this funk no matter what it takes. Even if it means setting the alarm for 6:30 am, grabbing a cold shower and planning some kind of routine for the day. If I can do this, if I can pull myself from my bed rather than letting all this sludge and muck keep me soporific and apathetic, maybe I'll get lucky and find a way back to a bit of normalcy and balance. 

 

Nothing Noteworthy.

"Dark shadows dancing on the ceiling, softly swaying in the flickering candles glow. What once was there, we’ll never know. Watching shadows in their rhythmic ways until they disband into a pool of obscurity, my mind counts the ways that things will never be the same. Long forgotten days, buried beneath piles of counterfeit smiles, and forced hellos; I’m a crook in many ways. Bringing cheapened moments of happiness to those who surround me, only to know inside, everything is a lie. Day to day and night after night, silent unseen tears are shed. My burden to bare, the weight of my mind, life will surely kill me in due time."

- Babers

Miss You

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.  

- Edna St Vincent Millay

Sometimes I wish that you could be right here. Right next to me. Spending hours into the night up talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. I'm constantly wondering how you're doing. How you're holding up. Wishing there was more I could do. Wishing I could give you that long over due hug and to actually be able to say "I am here." and not have miles between us. 

It doesn't seem fair most of the time. I know how lucky I am to have a friend like you. But why then do you have to be so far away? Why can't this be uncomplicated? Well of course then we wouldn't be as tight as we are. I mean eventually you'll get here. Or me there. But in the mean time it kills me just a little bit to know that I can't just pop over to say "Hello." 

It's the little things I wish for most. Things that are not complicated by miles. Things I'm so curious to see for myself. Like your "swagger" and your ridiculous smiles. To see how your eyes light up when you're talking passionately about your love of music. Or to hear your laugh. Not just over the phone but in person. A good hearty laugh, deep from your gut. I know it's getting a bit mushy and such, but lets face it. You made me this way. Oh friend of mine, you mean the world to me. I know you know. 

In many ways, you are my family. You get me and you got my back. What more could I ask for? Miss you, love you, wishing you the best, until we can get that over due hug. :)